Sober

I’m finally sober.  Sober from trying to fix people.  This was a hard concept for me to grasp, and it took a solid 35 years before I stopped trying.  I had a bad habit of trying to fix broken people.  It was almost like there was a magnetic force pulling me toward them.  I wanted to heal their broken parts and show them the good in themselves that they couldn’t see.  In turn, I wanted them to see me as worthy of changing for.

I sought their love and acceptance.  It was probably in large part naivety and a complex set of abandonment issues stemming from a lack of love and acceptance from my birth parents.  Underneath though, there’s a part of me wonders if there was some level of arrogance in thinking I’d have any hope of changing what is so deeply embedded in the fabric of who they are.  Did I truly think I was going to be the one person on the planet that could make this deeply troubled individual see the light and change into a kind, compassionate human being?   Is my special love juju so unimaginably awesome that I was going to be the reason they change their ways?

I tried so hard for so long to be patient with toxic people, but never once has any amount of love and support I have offered been incentive enough for them to change.  In fact, those I’ve left behind are the same people today that they were then, and oftentimes, they’re even worse.  The toll it took on my body, self-esteem, mental health and other relationships were not nearly worth the effort I put into it in hindsight.  These are their true colors.  It’s not a reflection of you or what you have to offer.  It is bigger than you.  This is who they are, and simply put, they won’t change for or because of you.  They, if they ever change, will only change because they have chosen to do so.  Changing for others is not sustainable because they don’t truly recognize their challenge is internal, not external.

I too let myself be bribed with flowers and half-hearted apologies.  You weren’t alone when you let the promise of future changes cost you one more day of happiness right now.  You’re not the only one that wants to stick it out for the kids.  But, the biggest lesson I learned in my journey was that these are their issues to fix, not mine.  Staying does not give them motivation to take big steps right now.  Love and support do not fix people.  Self-reflection, hard work, acknowledgment of underlying issues, and quite frequently professional help are the only things that will fix them.

Put your energy into yourself and your happiness today.  Put your energy into the people that show you love and respect right now.  And when people stop being healthy for you, let them go. I practice this in friendships too.  It’s important to note that there are lots of people out there with serious issues just like your abuser that will capitalize on your kindness, love and patience, outside of romantic relationships.  I started letting people show me who they are, and by taking a step back, I’ve been able to see things in a whole different way.  Not only can I see what’s unhealthy for me, but I see what is healthy for me.  What brings me happiness?  Who even am I without this in my life?  What makes me tick?  What do I want in my relationships with friends, family and my significant other?  What kind of mom am I when I don’t have to worry about abuse?  Where can this life take me when the depression, anxiety, walking on eggshells and constant conflict are no longer a factor?

As it turns out, I can go pretty far.  My relationships are so much more fulfilling when I’m not focused on trying to survive, trying not to upset him, or hiding in shame.  I can accomplish so much more when every passing thought isn’t consumed with whether or not the shorts I’m wearing are too short for him, or whether wearing makeup will make him think I’m cheating, or whether every time my phone goes off worrying about explaining who I’m talking to and why, or whatever other completely out of left field trigger will cause him to snap.  And I can leave my house.  Hallelujah, I can leave my house without worry, without being stalked or called or tracked or interrogated.

I have begun to practice sobriety from toxic people in all types of relationships, and most definitely, the first few times were the hardest.  I didn’t trust my own judgement and often kept people around longer than they deserved, even after everything I have been through.  I had to make tough choices about whether the actions people were showing me were acceptable and healthy for me.  It does gets easier over time.  I can now see personality traits and commonalities that send up those red flags, and I immediately retreat.  I don’t even build that relationship.  I don’t want it, I don’t need it.  What a huge difference time makes too.  You get better with practice and space to heal.  The right people for you are out there, waiting to love you and support you through your healing process.  They will respect your boundaries and they will offer their kindness.  Never accept anything less. 

As always, I’m here to listen.  Reach out to me on Facebook @Journey and Thrive.

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