I feel something I didn’t used to. Something refreshing and invigorating. I look forward to things. I look forward to today and I look forward to tomorrow. All of the possibilities are right at my fingertips. The friends to be made, the fun to be had, the journeys I am yet to take. The feeling that I own this day and every day to follow. The world is my oyster, truly and sincerely.
I remember a time not long ago that all I had to look forward to was, well, not much. I spent most of my time worried about what the evening and the subsequent days would hold for me. Was it going to be a bad day, or just another day where I worried about the next bad day. I spent a lot of time sleeping or working to safely tuck myself away into a place where I was free. I spent time with my kids which was one of the few things that brought me joy, but every moment awake, kids present or not, was mostly a myriad of fearful and anxious emotions rolling from one set of bewildering thoughts to another.
When you live this way, you live in a cage. All of the positive things the world has to offer are not offered to you. You can’t seize them fully even when they’re so close to your grasp. Vacations and time with friends, if you’re lucky enough to get either, are covered by an ominous dark cloud of what’s to come. Times that should be filled with fun, exploration and the feeling of being alive are overshadowed by the fear of impending doom. The angry outbursts, hurtful words, and soul piercing, gut wrenching mental and/or physical abuse rarely takes much time off.
The days of me feeling anything like this have steadily passed, and I’m so much stronger and healthier now. Until you’re on the other side, you’ll never know the true connection to the world and everything in it that waits for you. The freedom, the ability to breathe, the absolutely intoxicating feeling of unconstraint, power over your life and strength.
In the time that I’ve been completely free of the madness, I’ve been able to do so many things. I have traveled to many places, planned spontaneous girls nights out, achieved my first 6 figure income, and gotten to know who I really am and what I want out of this life. That’s right, what I want. Me, not him. I landed to most incredible husband that one could ever hope for. I get to feel a deep, meaningful connection to a person that loves me in the very same way I love him. Someone that cares for mental and physical well-being and is my partner, my equal. I get to really feel and experience the time with my children. Their laughter, their achievements, their challenges and their hopes. I get to live life fully uninhibited. Most importantly, I live each day unapologetically in pursuit of reaching for my dreams and goals with the love and support of many incredible people, especially but not limited to my significant other.
If you’re still in the rut, it’s ok. Be patient with yourself but remember that you deserve happiness. When you’re ready, the world is waiting for you. There is so much beauty out there. So much more beyond what you’re experiencing right now, beyond what you have experienced. This doesn’t have to be your life. The sadness, the depression, the guilt, the fear. It doesn’t have to be this way. I believe you have to own every decision and every situation, because owning it gives you the power to change it. That means you have to own the current or past decisions that led you to this very place in your life. How did I get here? How do I get out of this? How do I make myself see that I deserve better?
You’re smart. You’re crafty. If you can survive the worst of days, you can survive out there. I think you’ll be surprised when you actually thrive out there. My mantra, and you’re going to see this a lot in my writing, is that there’s no better motivator to succeeding than having no other choice. Take each decision one at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was a plan for getting yourself out of this rut. Don’t try to figure it all out now, or you run a very high risk of never acting. Compartmentalize, compartmentalize, compartmentalize. Figuring out all the details before you take action will swallow you.
Remember that you’re choosing to give yourself a chance at true happiness. If you really want it, you will get it. Don’t listen to the voice of doubt and fear that has kept you stuck. Don’t allow of those things your abuser said to you to take root and define what you know about yourself to be true. You’re a badass. You may not feel that way right now while you’re in emotional shackles, but you are. Trust your instincts and believe in yourself. When bad days would come and I just wasn’t sure how to keep moving forward, my grandma always said “You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep on moving forward.” Keep pushing, keep moving, keep fighting to live a more fulfilling life. This doesn’t have to be your legacy. I wish you the very best on your journey.
As always, I’m here to listen. Reach out to me on Facebook @Journey and Thrive.
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