Stop. Look at where you are in your life right now. Look at how you’re spending your hours, days, weeks. Are you doing things that make you happy? Take a look inwardly right now. Do you like who you are right now? Do you like how you feel about yourself and your relationship most days? 90% of the days, do you feel happy in your relationship? Are you happy with where you are in your life and what the future holds for you? Are you truly happy, loved, respected, cared for, being met halfway?
Look at the people in your life. Who is around you? How do they make you feel overall? Stop yourself short of saying they’re fine when they’re not drinking, when I haven’t made them angry, or when they’re not having a tough week. We all have bad days. Do you hit people or tear them down on your bad days? Look at them. Look deep into who they are and what they are, and really think to yourself whether things will every truly be good. Maybe things might incrementally better on some days, but will they ever be good? Remember, there’s a difference between life being good and life being temporarily not volatile.
Think about how every argument ends with some takeaways and action items you must tackle for things like this to never occur again, for them to love you as you deserve to be loved. Think about all you’ve already done to try and earn their kindness. Each time you begin to work to address whatever caused things to spiral today, they move the goal post on you. Each new set of changes you must make to yourself is slowly eroding who you are, your confidence, your self-esteem and your sense of self. Do you even recognize yourself anymore? Are you happy with whom you’ve become?
These blow up situations keep occurring no matter how much you change. Why? Perhaps it is… wait for it…perhaps it is simply not you. Maybe it’s them. And maybe, just maybe, there’s nothing you can really do that’s ever going to live up to their standards. Will they ever really stop drinking, having a tough week, or being triggered by something you did or said? In all this time you’ve spent with this individual, have they ever permanently quit treating you this way? Is waiting for them to change just delaying the inevitable.
The reality is that people that treat their loved ones with utter disrespect, emotional neglect and physical abuse are incapable of not being this person. They are broken. And before you think you can fix them, please read this. In my experience, I’ve never known any abusive person to be a person of rational, premeditated thought. They didn’t wake up and think about how they’re going to engage in reckless and harmful behavior today. They just do it. They have no impulse or self-control, no mental stability and most importantly, they do not have ownership over their behavior or the ability to search deeply into what they’re feeling and tackle their demons. They lack adequate communication and personal development skills to evoke real meaningful change. They do not know how to tame the beast within.
Recognizing and producing what it takes to be a solid partner are not easy skills to learn. You either have the right stuff or you don’t. So when they’re talking about how they’re going to quit treating you this way, understand that stopping being an asshole and instead becoming a loving, stable, thoughtful communicator with a deep respect for your feelings and well-being are 2 complete opposite ends of the spectrum. How long will it take for someone to tip the scale as far as you deserve for it to be tipped? Real talk, it will take many, many years, if ever. Do you have that amount of patience left in you? Do you deserve to wait for them to meet their potential? How much more of your life will be spent dealing with the exact things that are breaking you down today? Is it worth the sacrifice? Would it be better to simply cut ties and find a person that’s already there, someone that already has the capacity to love fully and deeply?
Here’s the great news. You can’t change someone else, but you can change yourself and your circumstances starting right now. You can choose to take back your power and stop changing yourself for this person. You can start game planning, looking at resources in your area, building a support system, reading things that will inspire and heal you. You can recognize that the well is dry, and you have nothing left to give this person. Is it going to suck to leave? Yeah, probably. But you know what doesn’t suck? Having your life back. Having the ability to find yourself, to be yourself, to love yourself for who you are and all that you have to offer right now. There’s a fantastic world out there full of adventures, great people, amazing opportunities.
You won’t be alone forever. There are amazing people out there that are ready to welcome you into their circle, people that will embrace you just as you are. Your life does not have to be like this. I understand that the unknown feels scary, but I am yet to meet a person that broke free of this life and said “Man, I wish I would have stayed.” I hope you break free and live an incredible life, because you have the potential to. If you can survive this period in your life my friend, you can absolutely survive anything and everything life could possibly throw at you. You’re stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for.
I wish you happiness and healing. I wish you love and respect, and I wish you the full and meaningful life you deserve.
As always, I’m here to listen. Reach out to me on Facebook @Journey and Thrive.
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