I recently heard someone say that the opposite of trauma is power, and as I pondered that notion, it really made me think about what it feels like to take your power back. Over these last few years, I have felt powerful, unstoppable even. So, in thinking about that, I had to think about what I felt before, how I lost my power, and what steps I’ve taken to overcome the trauma and regain it.
Those who have been in an abusive situation long-term, likely know what it feels like to feel weak emotionally, mentally, and physically. You feel like you have no control over what’s happening and how frequently it’s happing. Throughout the life of the relationship, you’re broken down regularly and systematically stripped of all the things that make you an unstoppable force. An abusive person can’t break the strong willed in one fell swoop, so it’s typically picking someone with a good heart, and then a slow and methodical evolution of the course of months or years that erodes you down little by little into someone you don’t even know. You don’t know which way is up, and the damage is so severe that they capitalize on the complete lack of sense of self to remold you into someone that can be steam rolled time and time again, and still come out thinking that somehow you have the power to fix this by changing just a little more to be who they want you to be. You have a false sense of control over the situation. You’ve been stripped of your self-esteem, your freedom, your trust in your own judgement, and your motivation to do anything more than try to keep the world from crumbling down around you each day.
Over the weeks, months, years that you’re staying in this relationship, you don’t realize it, but you’re slowly giving your power away until you have nothing left. Your sole motivation is receiving crumbs of approval and love from your abuser, hopeful that the most recent change to who you are will finally result in being an acceptable human of whom is worthy of their love and affection. You are careful about talking back, raising objections to what they’re saying and standing up for yourself. You may have given up your support system, become comfortable in isolation from the outside world, and so overwhelmingly depressed that you’ve lost hope. The reality is that you’ve willingly given up your power and your voice without even realizing that you’re doing so until it’s too late. You’re a shell of who you once were. You probably miss your vibrance, the fun, the joy, the connection with other humans and activities that once filled your time.
The good news is that once you realize you have unwittingly, yet willingly given away your power, you also realize that you have just as much control over taking it back. Harness that power you’re using to keep changing yourself for them, to instead change yourself for you. How do you do that? One tiny bit at a time. Just like every other tough situation, the first step is realizing you have a problem. The next thing you must do is decide you’re going to take back your power. From there, the rest is purely logistics and willpower. I want to be clear that you’re not going to take back your power and stay in this abusive dynamic. Abusers will be very happy to have a power struggle with you, and that can result in everything getting much, much worse. Please trust me on this one. They are not willingly going to give away their power over you and are more likely to beat you into submission before accepting that you’re right or they’re wrong. Any promise of change they offer will be temporary. Don’t delay the inevitable. You have to go, and you should go. There is much better for you out there than waiting to see if someone actually keeps their promises and changes.
All of this is easier said than done, right? Wrong. You can channel the strength and creativity you have summoned to make it this far to get out. Where there is a will, there is a way. There might not be a bright shiny door that says “Enter here to solve all of your problems”, but there are little windows that are cracked far enough open that you can squeeze through and keep making progress. Little by little, as long as you keep remembering that you do have the power to change your situation, you will find your way out.
Think about it like you’re navigating a dense forest. As you make steps in the right direction, you eventually begin to see the clearing, the open meadows, the sunshine, the upside you were looking for. You can’t give up when things seem hard or overwhelming, and when you can’t see the forest for the trees. You have to stay the course, trust your gut and keep trudging along. Or, as my grandmother used to say, “you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep on keeping on.” Where there’s a will there’s a way, and you can do this.
You have to rise to the challenge in much the same way you have in order to remain in this relationship. Celebrate the small wins to keep you going. Remain strong and focused. Compartmentalize problems and tackle them one at a time. You will have obstacles that arise and things that don’t seem like there is a clear-cut answer. In those moments, remember that staying or going back is not the answer. The answer is to truly problem solve for this. Pool your resources, leverage the internet, reach out to the people who you’ve let go of during this relationship, talk with the support groups that are out there on social media and locally, and establish a relationship with a therapist if you’re able. Most importantly, take note of the people who have been where you are right now and gotten through it, landing exactly where you want to be. Remember many people are in different stages of their journey, so you truly want to look for people who are in a good spot and pick their brains.
Remind yourself once again that the opposite of trauma is power. Don’t lose your voice. Don’t lay down and take this. Take back your power and your life. Remember that you got yourself into this situation and you damn sure can get yourself out. I wish you happiness and healing on your journey.
As always, I’m here to listen. Reach out to me on Facebook @Journey and Thrive.
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