Yep. It’s going to sting for a while, and what you’re feeling is completely normal. You’re probably feeling a range of emotions from guilty, angry, hurt, lonely, unsure of whether you’re making the right decision, and sad…probably overwhelmingly sad. One of the most common questions I hear is “When will it stop hurting?” The answer to that is complex and it’s entirely dependent on you, but there are lots of things you can do to jumpstart the process of feeling better, rebuilding your life, and beginning to figure out who you really are without abuse in your life.
- Take each moment as it comes and compartmentalize all of the unknowns to think about in silo. Don’t try to think too far ahead. Don’t try to solve all of the challenges at once. Thinking about how you’re going to handle everything on your plate can be so overwhelming that you begin to think you were better off with the devil you know than the one you don’t. What I can tell you, unequivocally, is that if you can handle the emotional and physical effects of abuse, you can handle absolutely anything that life may throw at you when you’re on you’re on the other side.
- Get support from other humans. Having a sounding board is so important to processing what you’re feeling and helping you identify unhealthy thinking patterns and behaviors. If you can’t or won’t seek therapy, you have to find another outlet to talk through things. Begin reconnecting with family or friends if that’s an option for you. If it’s not, start making new friends. There are many, many support groups on social media that have thousands of people at various stages of leaving and healing. Many people have been where you are and someone will understand exactly what you are going through. That said, working with a therapist is a great benefit to healing and establishing good, healthy behaviors.
- Keep busy. I’m not suggesting that you stuff down or ignore your emotions. I am suggesting that you don’t marinate in them, death spiral into them, and allow them to control your life. Get out of the bed, off the couch, out of your head, and start doing things to fill your time. Join a yoga class, attend a wine and painting event, go to a park, take a hike, go on a trip, join a friend for dinner, watch movies, clean, garden. Whatever it takes to keep busy. Check for events in your area on Google or Facebook and meet people there that share your interests. Voila! Friends.
- Give back. Volunteer in an organization you’re passionate about. Nothing is better for the soul than helping others who are struggling in their own way. Use your own struggles as fuel to do more in your community. Check out food banks, community gardens, hang out with the elderly, work with kids, wherever your heart leads you. The interwebs is a great place to find opportunities to help in and around your community. Lots of people have struggles, and if you have space in your life to take on pitching in here and there, you’ll meet new people and add meaning to your own life. Our family volunteers together, and the kids really enjoy it while also learning a lot about the world around them.
- Read! Google your feelings and experiences and find others that write about it. You’ll find yourself connecting dots and making sense of what happened. Things will resonate with you and make you see that you’re not crazy or broken. When you don’t understand your feelings and experiences, it’s so hard to process them. When you understand that your abuser is a narcissist, a sociopath, a psychopath, an alcoholic, or an otherwise troubled individual, it helps you understand that they have issues they need to fix, and it’s not your fault. You can better recognize red flags moving forward too. Also, when you identify behaviors in yourself that led you to accepting the abuse, you can fix them and avoid repeating the cycle. I found a lot of value in reading books that helped me live a fuller life, find my purpose and grow professionally too. Having these additional positive influences helped me not just focus on how to process the hurt I was feeling, but how to start living the life I wanted.
- Listen to podcasts. I download them through the Stitcher app and listen to them in my car. I would tend to drift into my thoughts when in the car alone, so I filled that time with podcasts to avoid going to a depressing place. I highly recommend “On Purpose” by Jay Shetty. He speaks with lots of very smart and often famous people from all walks of life and backgrounds that share their lives and experiences openly. These people have so much wisdom to offer on a variety of subjects that I cannot recommend this one enough! You can also watch them on YouTube if you prefer a more visual experience.
- Take a bubble bath, light some candles, turn off the lights and just relax. Feel the warmth and peace that surrounds you. Cry if you must. Let your burden, the heaviness, the feelings, the pain just float away into the water and when you open the drain, imagine all of that being taken away out into the world and away from your body and your life. Imagine a deep soul cleansing. Being present with yourself and finding peace if only for a little while is so important to healing. While distractions are important, it’s also very important to focus on your well-being and begin to find your footing with emotional stability.
- Watch Rom-Coms. Ok. I know some people are going to love this one, and others are going to hate it. Hear me out. Watching romantic movies helped me realize what I really wanted in my relationship and what kind of dynamic I was longing for. It gave me hope and cemented in that relationships that contain abuse are not the type of love I want. I watched them almost every night as I was preparing to leave and for a while thereafter to reinforce that what I’m experiencing is not what I truly wanted. I wanted love, compassion, kindness, to be romanced, to connect with someone fully and truly. These are all things you deserve.
- Be patient with yourself. You’re going to have good days and bad days. You’re going to have setbacks. You’re going to question whether leaving was the right thing. You might even find yourself crying on the floor pleading with the heavens to make the pain stop. It will get better with every passing day. I promise. Be strong and be patient. Stay the course. Remember why you’re doing this and that nothing good will come from you returning. You and I both know that the abusers don’t change. Even if their arms fall off and they can’t hit you, the mental and emotional abuse will still continue because they don’t possess the tools to be a better person. Developing those tools takes a very long time, if ever. Remember to fill your life up with good distractions as much as you reasonably can with your obligations.
- Remember the positives. Though life may seem like a shit show right now, there’s always something positive to find. Count those blessings, and sometimes count them twice. I once heard that you can never truly have more until you appreciate what you already have. You woke up today. You have an opportunity to make this day what you want it to be. If you start to go to a negative place, bring it back on course. Stop belittling yourself or questioning your decisions or abilities the moment those thoughts creep in. These negative thoughts are a product of your abuse situation. You’ve been conditioned to feel like you suck, so now you have to retrain your brain to appreciate everything you bring to the table. If you stayed in an abusive relationship, you are a saint. A loving, patient individual with so much warmth to offer. Hang your hat on that and keep building upon that foundation of good things you have in you.
The days may be challenging now, but if you’re reading this and putting one foot in front of the other, you are on the right path. I wish you the best on your journey.
As always, I’m here to listen. Reach out to me on Facebook @Journey and Thrive.
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