I now speak with a lot of people that are enduring abuse currently, and others whom are recently separated from an abusive relationship. Many of the conversations have similar themes and they are very relatable. I do my best to help support individuals through their journey, and I’m sharing some of the things you need to hear now in order to begin moving forward sooner.
- You will not be alone forever. Despite what you’ve probably been told over and over again, someone will love and appreciate you again when you’re ready to open yourself back up to receive it. They’ll love you despite the kids, the pounds you’ve gained or lost, the things you’ve experienced, and they’ll love you wherever you’re at in your healing process. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how desirable you are. You have qualities that people find attractive. More often than not, individuals that have been in an abusive situation have 3 very desirable traits: patience, empathy and phenomenal communications skills. The reason your abuser tells you awful things about yourself is to break you down and make you feel undesirable. They know that if you feel good about yourself and capable of finding an actual suitable, healthy supporter, you will leave. Conversely, if they convince you that you suck and nobody will want you, you’ll stay with them in lieu of being alone entirely. Therefore, destruct and dominate is the name of their game.
- You’re not damaged beyond repair. That’s not to say you don’t have some healing to do. Everyone is different and the timelines for healing are unique to you and the work you put in. That doesn’t mean that you have to recluse until your healed, and that doesn’t mean you’re not going to have triggers that crop up sometimes way down the road. These things definitely don’t mean you should stop reconnecting and establishing new connections with friends and family. In fact, loving supportive people are very important to your healing process. Isolation keeps you from hearing the positives from people that see them and allows you to marinate in all of the miserable things you’ve been told. Having perspective from good people helps you see things in yourself that you couldn’t see before, things about you that should be celebrated, and those things are building blocks to rebuilding your self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth.
- The kids will be fine. In fact, they’ll be happier because you will be happier. Being a parent in an abusive situation means that you are in survival mode…a lot. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and your brain is overdrive committed to preventing issues before they arise. Mental abuse is as dangerous as physical abuse too. Oftentimes, individuals enduring mental abuse sink into deep depressions that can leave them vulnerable to suicidal thoughts and self-destructive behaviors. Your reflexive, danger prevention behavior eats up a lot of space in your consciousness, and therefore your time is not focused on developing yourself and your humans. They need you. They need your guidance. They need your love and support, and I promise you, they are not better with you and your abuser being in the same home. If the kids know (and they probably do) and they want you to stay, they are not making the right decision for you or for themselves. Their brains aren’t developed enough to understand the magnitude of what you’re going through or the danger you all are in. Additionally, they likely don’t know what it’s like to be in a healthy environment to understand how good it is for all of you. Could they also be imitating the destructive behaviors they’ve been exposed to? Get them out early and begin therapy for all of you as soon as possible. They have healing and growing to do alongside you. If you’re concerned about threats of losing your kids, just know that it’s rare that someone can take the kids from you. Seek a free consultation with an attorney for reassurance.
- You’ll be fine. In fact, you’ll be better than fine. It might sting for a while as you break the trauma bond and figure out who you are, but you will be happier. You’re going to put one foot in front of the other each day and figure it out little by little. You’re going to figure it out because you have no other choice but to succeed. You will get everything you want and need because you won’t give up until you’ve got it. You will make new friends, you will heal old wounds, you will find a great job, and you will thrive if you give yourself the space to do so and don’t give up. Will you sometimes fail or miss the mark? Yep. But as long as you continue to push forward, you’ll be fine. Don’t beat yourself up for your failures and momentary lapses in judgement, but do get back up and keep pressing forward. You’re not doomed to repeat your mistakes. However, you’re free to make mistakes. That’s the most powerful form of learning. I went back once. I struggled many times with whether I was making the right decision to stay gone, but I kept climbing the mountain, and the summit is beautiful. My soul and sunshine returned much more quickly than I would have expected.
- Your abuser will also be fine. Let’s consider for a second that maybe they do “love” you. I use quotes because there’s that version of love, and there’s the healthy version that builds you up instead of tearing you down. But again, let’s consider for a moment that they have the feelings of desire to have you in their life, that they call love. I call it dependence and their own fear of being alone. In these cases, love is not enough. Neither yours nor theirs. They also need to have respect and patience for your differences. The way they treat you is not your fault. It’s not your issue to fix, and there’s nothing you can do to love them healthy. They are going to suffer a loss when you leave, and they are going to have to figure out how to cope too. It’s going to manifest itself in many ways ranging from anger, to sadness, to desperation, and they’re likely going to experience many of the stages of grief. Most of it will be directed at you, so be prepared and stand your ground. They need to experience the loss of you to start to understand boundaries and be incentivized to fix themselves. Staying is enabling their behavior. Maybe they’ll do the work to get better. Maybe they will find another victim. Either way, you need to put the blinders on to remain focused on your well-being.
- Your happiness and safety are of paramount importance. If your family, friends, or kids are not supportive of you leaving, they will get over it. If they don’t, you should consider their role in your life. This is your life. This is your stress. This is your safety and mental health. The person going through this is you. You have to want better for yourself, and most importantly, believe you deserve it. Each moment you are there takes a little bit more of your soul. How much is taken before everything worth living for is gone? How much time is left before they take it just a bit to far and there’s no coming back?
It’s not too late to leave. It’s not too late to live a full and happy life. It’s not too late to put you first and choose better. I wish you happiness and healing on your journey.
As always, I’m here to listen. Reach out to me on Facebook @Journey and Thrive.
Follow My Blog
Get new content delivered directly to your inbox.
Journey and Thrive 